What I Saw At The Devolution

Straining the Goulash of the American Dream Through the Colander of My Own Angst

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Magnolia Electric Co.: on the passing of jason molina

magnoliaelectricco:

We are deeply saddened to announce that Jason Andrew Molina passed away in his home in Indianapolis this past Saturday, March 16th of natural causes at age 39. Jason was a world class musician, songwriter & recording artist. He was also a beloved friend. He first caught international attention in…

Oh man, does this suck. Molina was one of my favorite artists. I’m sure I’ll be using up this month’s emusic budget to download some more of the back catalog, now that I know there is no more coming.

(Source: magnoliaelectricco)

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More Me on Wonkette

Haven’t been keeping up with the Wonkette links, so here are the latest four in chronological order. Note that in the second one I got my own byline. Very exciting! I should not be enjoying being a sneering, sarcastic asshole as much as I am. Perhaps I’ll talk to ye olde therapist again soon.

A warning to stay off the streets on February 23.

The blame game.

Instapundit is a giant putz.

Smearing Andrew Breitbart on the anniversary of his death. I honestly think he would enjoy knowing that he has engendered hatred but what do I know.

Filed under wonkette breitbart instapundit Tea Party guns guns guns

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This is a piece Wonkette rejected but I think it’s pretty damn funny. So I’ll post it here and let people decide. This is the frustration of trying to get your work seen - the gatekeepers at blogs and magazines and agencies and publishing houses. You can’t take it personally. Even if you are kind of pissed.

Glenn Beck. We remember him! The wild-eyed conspiracy theorist with the chalkboards and the overactive tear ducts who grew so unhinged that Faux News replaced him with this guy. Beck went on to found something called TheBlaze, which is sort of a public access station with better production values, and he has long been a multimedia phenomenon with his own little empire: TV, radio, books of both the fiction and non-fiction variety. And now he has released a trailer for his new one-man stage show, Man in the Moon. Let us look upon and deconstruct it together:

0:01 – Here is Beck, wearing a brown cloth tie of the sort we might have worn to our fancypants private school back in 1986 and a soft brown pullover with a…what the hell is that on his chest? Beck, so soft-spoken and contemplative (the doctors must finally have gotten his dosage right): “If I were the man in the moon, what would I think about where we were and where we were headed?” Beck has obviously been attending grad-school creative writing workshops in his spare time.

0:10 – Glenn Beck has a miniature moon that glows and floats above his cupped hands. Meh on the Man in the Moon shtick. Melies did it better. Hell, the Smashing Pumpkins did it better.

0:11 – 0:42 – Beck from different angles, something about the American fable “from the beginning of time,” this show will be the biggest thing he has ever done, blah blah blah. Glenn Beck is the bravest stage performer since those “Puppetry of the Penis” guys.

1:00 – Glenn Beck hates July 4th fireworks shows! In his doughy and settled middle age, he no longer finds them fappable. Perhaps he should try a testosterone supplement. Glenn, if you’re reading this, click on one of our ads!

1:10 – Lots of buzzwords about the show’s visuals. They will be edgy! Overwhelming! Monstrous! After this last one, Glenn sort of bobs his head and smiles a tight smile, as if imagining the monstrousness of it all. Us too, Glenn. Us also too.

1:17 – 1:55 – We are into a montage of sciencey-looking stuff. But we thought wingnuts hate science? Oh right, Beck is a Mormon, so not exactly one of the anti-science wingnuts whose approval he nevertheless has spent his career seeking. Like whatshisname, the guy with the dancing horse. Anyway, technology! It is awesome! And also bad! Our choice! There is a shot of some guy driving a little car with a propeller on top. America: we can have Skynet, or we can have propeller cars!

Beck is talking about American Dream Labs, a venture that will “explore projects on energy, education, high-tech, (and) entertainment.” Sort of like Edison in his complex in New Jersey a hundred years ago, where he invented light bulbs and electrocuted circus elephants, for funsies. Thinking he is Edison might at least explain Beck’s sweater.

1:59 – This performance “will be based on a pop-up book,” and as a visual aid, thirty-foot robots will stalk the audience, shooting them with laser eyes and slicing them to ribbons with chainsaw hands. Everyone is encouraged to bring a towel.

2:08 – Oh, that thing on his sweater is a Native American wearing a headdress. Looks like the Florida State University logo. Sort of a jarring contrast to the avuncular, visionary futurist vibe Beck has been trying to project for the last two minutes.

2:06 – The miniature moon now floats by itself after Beck pulls his hands away. He does some dramatic Beyonce-halftime-show vogueing. Beck has a wonderful career ahead of him as a magician in a second-rate Vegas casino.

2:10 – The man in the moon is pretty angry about our choices! We have made choices, and now we are sitting in our apartment in our sweatpants on a Tuesday morning typing things for an internet poop blog. We can have our own existential crisis, thank you very much Glenn, we do not need the man in the moon’s judgment!

2:24 – Glenn Beck will suck us inside the moon so we can see what the man in the moon sees we are capable of. Or something. Has Glenn been living in California and patronizing some of our fabulous medical marijuana dispensaries?

2:31 – Why is one of the Red Skull’s soldiers from that Captain America movie in Glenn Beck’s movie? Did he take a left instead of a right at the craft services table?

2:45 – Glenn Beck blows the miniature moon to dust. Well, now we know the answer to Bill O’Reilly’s question. The man in the moon giveth, and the man in the moon taketh away.

2:53 – Mercifully, it is now over. What did we learn? Well, Glenn Beck is putting on a stage show, during which he will lull his audience into complacency with grandfatherly charm before unleashing his army of chainsaw-hand-equipped robots to slaughter everyone and make the theater aisles run red with the blood of the damned. Get those tickets now!

 

Filed under Man in the Moon Glenn Beck Wonkette Rejects

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Getting Back Into The Swing

Realized the other day that I have not updated this damn blog since November and I’m not sure how that happened. So I thought I’d post this thing I wrote today and submitted to Wonkette. They didn’t use it (boooo) because one of the site’s other writers was already working on something about Nuge (ah) but the editor did say it was good (cool). Anyway, without further ado:

Shoot-Out At The Congressional Corral

There is an arms race of sorts underway in advance of tomorrow’s State of the Union address. No, we are not talking about the lovely FLOTUS’s guns…you perverts can fap to those on your own time. We are talking about congresspersons arming themselves with political props…er, guests…for some quality posturing over the issue of gun control!

Recently, you may have heard, the issue of gun control has become one shiny object over which the feral raccoons of Congress have decided to tussle. So one of Michelle Obama’s guests at Tuesday’s confab will be Cleopatra Pendleton, mother of Hadiya Pendleton, a fifteen-year-old victim of gun violence who was tragically killed when caught in the crossfire between gang members in a Chicago park just a few days after performing as a drum majorette at the president’s inauguration. We are looking forward to the moment during the speech when President Obama acknowledges Cleopatra’s presence and speaks movingly of Hadiya’s death and all the Democrats applaud while all the Republicans sits on their hands and harrumph at this naked display of partisanship wherein the Kenyan Mooselimb dictator shoves the fact that guns are dangerous weapons that kill people down everyone’s throats.

You know who is not looking forward to that moment? Representative Steve Stockman (R-Crazypants), that’s who! So in response, Stockman, recently seen comparing the president to noted gun control advocate Sadaam Hussein when Bamz unveiled his weaponry-related executive list of action items, has announced that he will attend the SOTU accompanied by noted gun fancier and pants-pooper Ted Nugent, who has had all sorts of time on his hands ever since Damn Yankees broke up. It is unknown at press time if the Nuge will follow up the speech by firing his six-shooters in the air, Yosemite-Sam-style, from the steps of the Capitol. That would be a more interesting GOP response than you will hear from Marco Rubio or Rand Paul, though!

In response to this blatant act of partisanship that is in itself a response to a blatant act of partisanship, Representative Steve Cohen (D-Tennessee…wait, really? A Dem from TN? Huh.) announced on the Twitterz that he will give his SOTU ticket to a family member of one of the Sandy Hook victims. No word on whether any Republicans will take the opportunity to yell “Second Amendment!” at a person who lost his or her six-year-old child in the tragedy so that second-dumbest person on the internet Jeff Goldstein could own all the thirty-round clips he wants.

We fully expect this trend of politicians inviting symbols from both sides of the gun-control debate to continue up to Tuesday night, when John Boehner gives up his seat on the podium to Wayne LaPierre.